Xaviers Crazy School for Mental Mutants
by Stargazer79
Summary: A bunch of random X-Men one-shots. Not meant to be serious!


Wolverine was sitting on the couch in peace, reading the newspaper. It was quiet and his morning coffee was nice and hot.

Atleast, that's how it was in his mind. He was really being dragged off the couch, the last bits of a shredded newspaper in his hand. It was not quiet, since the room was rather crowded, and his coffee had been spilled all over the floor in the commotion.

"Come on, Wolverine!" someone pushing him from behind said.

"All you have to do it..." Toads words were muffled because now he had a hand over his face.

"Find us when we hide!" Kitty finished the sentence.

"No!" He growled. He tried to get up but there were atleast three people clinging to his feet.

"Please!" Wolverine wanted to barf at Cyclops' attempt at being cute. He grabbed the hand that had embedded itself in his hair and flipped Emma over the couch. She collided with Forge and the two of them tumbled across the living room of Professor Xaviers school for mutants.

"But you never do!" Pyro whined.

"Shut up and leave me alone!"

Xavier came hovering into the room in his chair. "What's all this noise about?" he asked.

"Wolverine won't play hide and seek!" Rogue replied.

Xavier turned to him. "Now, Wolverine. It's good for their self esteem."

"How?!" Wolverine wanted to know. Xavier shrugged. "Well, why don't you do it then?" Wolverine asked.

"Because I want to hide too!" Xavier took off to find the best hiding place. Cheers rang through the mansion as everyone else rushed out to find a place to hide.

Wolverine grunted, snorted, growled, and had a fit of rage. Then he pretended to count to one hundred, but he only counted to four because he got impatient.

He stomped out of the living room and barely even tried to find anybody as he walked around. He stopped when he heard some very obnoxious laughter coming from a ceiling light.

"I know you're up there," he said.

"Nobody is up here," came an answer.

Quicksilver was definately up there. Wolverine ran at the wall, jumped off, and grabbed hold of the light. Quicksilver jumped off and zoomed away before Wolverine even had a chance to see him.

"These people don't play fair," Wolverine mumbled to himself. He wandered around some more until he was certain he knew where someone was. It was obvious since they were being so noisy.

He turned to see Storm disappearing behind a corner. "Hey, I saw you!" He called, trying to follow her, but he tripped on a conveniently placed rock that someone must have brought in from outside.

"It doesn't count!" Storm called back.

Wolverine growled to himself again and went back to the living room. He ignored the wiggling pile of blankets and pillows as he pushed all the furniture together to form a large circle.

Then he grabbed Kurt from under the pile and threw him in the circle. "Hey, what...?" Kurt began.

"We're playing cops and robbers now," Wolverine told him. "This is the jail. You can't leave no matter what or else I'm telling the Professor you cheated."

Kurt slumped down and crossed his arms. "Whatever."

Wolverine was excited to catch someone else to throw in jail. He easily caught Jean and Gambit, who had been arguing about who gets to hide in the kitchen, and to whom the kitchen belonged to. He threw them in with Kurt and went looking again.

He was passing by the room everyone gathers for meetings in when an alarm went off inside, followed by a very girly scream.

Wolverine sensed trouble and burst through the door. "Jubilee? What happened?"

He saw not Jubilee but Warren crawling out from under one of the chairs. "Sorry, the alarm scared me. What's going on?"

Xavier came into the room along with the three people who had been thrown in 'jail'. "What is it?" the Professor demanded.

"A message." Wolverine pressed a button and an image took over the screen. It was a white cat-like alien who looked familiar.

"Professor Xavier," she said. "I need help!"

Xavier studied her for a moment, then said, "I know you. You were working for Corsair."

"Yes, my name is Zee. I was sent to Earth by Corsair, but I was captured by..." She was cut off by another voice. "Don't attract them here!" Then the screen went black.

"Trace that signal," Xavier ordered. Jean did, finding that it originated in the woods beside their house.

"Hm, that's not very far away," Warren stated the obvious.

"Let's go see what's going on," Gambit suggested.

Xavier nodded, and Gambit led Jean, Kurt and Warren out of the room. Wolverine followed them into the woods to provide backup if necessary.

An explosion pointed the X-men toward a smoking van painted in camoflauge colors. Zee leaped out the back of it and collided with Gambit.

"Is there anyone else in that van?" Jean asked.

"Yes, but she's mean. She deserves to stay in there," Zee replied, trying to untangle herself from Gambit on the ground.

"That's not how the X-men work!" Warren said. Then he tried to be heroic by going inside the burning van and dragging the unconcsious woman to safety, but he passed out from the smoke halfway.

Gambit slapped his communicator unnecessarily hard and called for Storm to put out the fire. Kurt teleported inside the van and returned with the trapped people. Storm arrived and made it rain on the van and them, which caused Warren to cough obnoxiously and wake up.

"Mother!" Kurt yelled randomly. Atleast, everyone thought it was random until they saw who they had rescued. It was Mystique.

Kurt insisted on carrying her home but practically died after ten minuted because he was weak from the smoke. Wolverine appeared from the tree he was waiting in and carried her the rest of the way.

Not too long later Kurt was visiting Mystique in the infirmary where she laid in THE BED. When she woke up she tried to escape, but she was restrained.

"Mother, don't do that!" Kurt leaped up from his chair when he saw her struggling. "You'll hurt yourself."

"I need to get away!"

"Why?" Kurt asked.

Mystique stared at him in deep thought for a moment. "Because I'm the bad guy, I guess," she finally said in a confused way.

"Professor Xavier said you could stay here with us if you behave," Kurt told her.

"Why would I do that?" she questioned.

Kurt couldn't think of a reason she would so he just said, "For me?"

Mystique glared for a minute, then sighed. "Fine, but don't you get all mushy or anything."

"Yay!" Kurt got all mushy and hugged her, which she couldn't prevent because she was still restrained. Later, she got her own room in the mansion, as well as Zee.

When it was bedtime Woverine went to his room for some peace and quiet for once. He was about to climb into bed when he heard a suspicious noise. It was a sound like he had never heard before.

He stalked around the room until he figured out it was coming from his bed. He grabbed the blanket and tore it off with a mighty war cry. He was ready to attack when he realized it was just Cyclops, who was sleeping in his bed.

"Hey! Wake up and get out of my room!" Wolverine yelled. Cyclops had probably fallen asleep here during the game of hide and seek earlier.

Wolverine couldn't wake him up for life so he just pushed him off the bed and climbed in. He couldn't fall asleep because of Cyclops' snoring, and at some point in the way early morning his door was somehow destroyed so he heard everyone else's snoring too. So he just grumbled to himself all night.


End file.
